Liesbeth, 38 Yrs - Belgium
“Born and raised in Belgium, expat in Vienna, Paris and New York and mother of an 8yo TCK (third-culture kid) daughter, who was born in Paris and is now starting to figure out her own cultural identity.
I am an ICF certified professional coach, specialised in intercultural coaching and global leadership coaching and have a background in Linguistics and Communication Studies. After struggling with my career during my first move abroad, I am now in a happy place where all of a sudden all my past experiences make sense and I managed to turn my passion into a career.
In my free time I love to explore (restaurants, books, movies, …), travel and meet people.”
What were the emotions felt during this transition?
“Loneliness during the first months, because back then it was not that simple to find a group of like minded people while living abroad, but also because your support system back home doesn’t understand what you’re going through.
Shame because of the jobs I was overqualified for. I felt judged, but a lot of that was because I was judging myself harshly. I thought I was a failure and kept beating myself up about it every minute of every single day. Also, shame for not making more of the experience of living abroad, for being ungrateful.
Hopelessness because I felt like things would never change for me. I didn’t know yet how much power we have over our own lives.
Self-loathing because I thought I was a failure for not getting a better job. It also didn’t help that my loved ones at home didn’t understand what I was going through and weren’t able to give me the support I needed, often making me feel even more like a failure (“How can you be stressed? You have this easy life, no kids, no big household to manage, …”).
Resentment towards my partner, who seemed to have it all, while I had sacrificed everything I had.
Anxiety, as a result of all of the above.
But at the same time also joy and excitement for everything that was new around me, the amazing people I was meeting, for living the expat life.”
When you rehash this transition again, how can you use it for future life changes?
“To not wait around and expect things to change, but to take action, one step at a time. For almost every problem, there’s a solution.
Today I am very intentional, I have a vision of who I want to be and the impact I want to have on the people around me. I am very clear on my values as well, so it’s a lot easier to stay on the right track and not get lost nor lose myself, even after having moved abroad twice after that.”
What is something that you have now that if you could go back, you would tell yourself?
“You have power! You are worthy! You are enough! Respect yourself!”
What was the best advice you had at the time from a friend, a loved one, or a mentor?
“My husband would often say “For every problem, there’s a solution.”
How did it make you grow? What were the learnings?
“Today I refuse to be a victim. I lost myself the first time I moved abroad and I refuse to let that happen again. I’ve moved abroad twice since (once pregnant) and became a mother, changed careers, started a business on two different continents and I have gotten a lot better at recognising the red flags so I can take action before it’s too late.
I also became a certified professional coach and I seek guidance from other coaches myself, especially in moments I lose clarity or feel overwhelmed. It allows me to stay true to my core values and to align my actions accordingly.”
What’s the biggest life transition you have had?
“I was born and raised in Belgium, in the Dutch speaking part near Antwerp, in a well protected monocultural and privileged environment. Even though I always had a great interest in international politics, particularly US politics and US culture, I was unaware of what went on outside my perfect little bubble. I dreamed about being this kick ass career woman, living abroad and traveling the world for business. No time for kids!
After graduating from university with a double Master’s degree I pursued a career in international sales to very quickly discover I was more interested in meeting people and exploring their countries, rather than the job itself. Meanwhile, prince charming had come along and I decided to switch to teaching at a local high school in Antwerp, with a very diverse student population. These kids changed my perspective on many things and allowed me to open my eyes to the real world. I’m forever grateful to have been part of their journey.
Soon after, my partner got a nice job offer in Vienna, Austria, and being fluent in German (as well as English, French and Dutch) we thought it would be a great opportunity for me as well and we decided to go for it. Little did I know, that in a job market that is not particularly welcoming to newcomers, I had to fight a battle on two fronts: not only was I an immigrant, in Austria, women have 2 years of maternity leave and can come back to work part time until their youngest child is 7yo, meaning that if you’re a 26yo woman, companies have to think long and hard if they want to take the risk to hire you.
My dream of starting a new career in marketing soon started to dwindle. The more resumes I sent out, the more my self-esteem took a plunge. I started to believe that no one would ever want to hire me and began to feel resentment towards Austrians. And the worst part, I started to resent my partner. It’s not easy seeing your partner’s career take off really fast, while yours seems to be going down the drain even faster.
On top of that, the first weeks and months were very lonely. WhatsApp did not exist yet and not everyone was familiar with Skype, so email was the way to go. While my partner was working or travelling for work, I spent my days alone, ruminating, not allowing myself to spend his money on fun things for myself until I made my own money. I felt as if I was not worthy of having a great time, unless I could pay for it myself.
I eventually became so desperate that I ended up taking jobs that I would have never even considered back home (I was still receiving emails from recruiters back home offering me nice roles with attractive benefits) and got stuck in a spiral of shame, self-loathing (especially when people asked me what I did for a living) and depression, eventually ending up in the ER twice with severe panic attacks that felt like I was having a heart attack.
Bore-out or anxiety were not things people talked about back then, so I was not aware I was going through it. And those are not usually the things expats discuss with their family and friends abroad, because people think we are living a jet set life, a much easier life than themselves. Unless you’ve been through it yourself, you cannot understand what it’s really like. Luckily I had an amazing group of expat friends who I could be myself with and who supported me through it! Those friendships are for life! ”
“ Bore-out or anxiety were not things people talked about back then, so I was not aware I was going through it. ”
How did you handle this transition?
“ For a long time I did not handle it at all and I was being a victim. Until, because I ended up in the ER twice with heart palpitations, I ended up seeing a cardiologist and an endocrinologist. I was certain they had found the cause of my heart palpitations. The doctor came into the office, looked at the results on her desk, turned around again and headed back to the door saying “all is fine”. On her way out, she turned around and asked me “So, tell me, what do you do for a living?”. And all I remember is I broke down in tears. She came back in, told me “So, here’s what you’re going to do: you’re going to quit that job of yours that’s making you miserable, you’re going to get a heart monitor, start exercising again and I’ll see you again in a month. Your heart is healthy. You are having severe anxiety attacks that cause these palpitations and light headedness.
She hit the nail on the head. So I quit that job, got the heart monitor, started working out again and never even went back to see that doctor again. No more panic attacks!
On top of that, I bought myself a book about “How to live your best life abroad” and starting getting more clarity on what was important to me, what was in my scope of control, what I could change to make things better. From that moment on, I was no longer a victim. I started to create a better life for myself, it felt so empowering! And soon after, I finally found a job I loved: I became a teacher in an international school.
That moment inspired me to finally, years later, become a certified professional coach and work with expats and expat spouses.”