Laura, 37 Yrs - USA
“ I grew up in the suburban U.S. in a loving family with an older brother. I wasn’t very academically inclined and was naturally introverted, but I always loved reading and music, and eventually, I discovered and excelled at my preferred academic subject: foreign language learning. In college and after, I spent about 2 years living in Europe, before coming back to the U.S. and starting my career in Management Consulting.”
What’s the biggest life transition you have had?
“The biggest life transition I had… I am still in the process of navigating the abrupt end of my nearly 15-year relationship with my former partner. After many years of unhappiness and my needs not being met in the relationship, I was blindsided to learn they had decided to bring a new partner into our family, moving the new person into our home with our children and me. Overnight we went from a family of four to a completely new dynamic that was totally unpalatable to me. I was asked to stay on as a “friend” to continue to co-parent my children under the same roof.
I felt blindsided, as mentioned, also disrespected, that my space had been invaded, and, most acutely, afraid to lose my status as the primary parent of my children or somehow, no matter how irrational it seems, lose all or part of my relationship with them.
I met my former partner when I was very young, and it was one of my first long-term relationships. I wasn’t thinking about long-term compatibility. I wasn’t particularly keen to become a parent at the time they wished to do so, but ultimately I adapted, found my maternal side, and being a parent became extremely central to my sense of self. ”
“You deserve real love, care and respect, and you have so much to offer – never settle for unhappiness again”
How did you handle this transition?
“Initially, I broke down emotionally and physically. This was the worst event of my life. The first thing I did was to bring the closest people in my world (best friends and parents) in on what was happening. I had long hidden the myriad negative aspects of my relationship from my friends and family and overall had withdrawn from them considerably over the years.
When this event occurred, I quickly realized that no longer ignoring how bad the relationship was required me to tell the complete truth to myself and also to the people who love me, letting them in to support me.
I also urgently searched for a psychotherapist to work with, and when my search came up insufficient, I reached out on a whim to my former therapist, who, I was relieved to learn, was still practicing and able to take me back as a client. I am also now working with a career and transitions coach, which is more future-oriented work, and has been very insightful and productive so far..”
What were the emotions felt during this transition?
“I struggled with uncontrollable anxiety initially that killed my appetite and prevented me from sleeping for weeks (normally I have no sleep issues whatsoever). I still have sudden, unpredictable bouts of anxiety that I’m developing tools to deal with – through mindfulness, self-care, and therapy. I felt, and still feel, an extreme sense of uncertainty vis-à-vis the future.”
What is something that you have now that if you could go back, you would tell yourself?
“Two things: 1) Your kids will love you the same, irrespective of who their other parent chooses to be with. This is a fact. They will show you over the coming months who you are to them. Believe this and don’t waste your energy being territorial.
2) You deserve real love, care, and respect, and you have so much to offer – never settle for unhappiness again.”
When you rehash this transition again, how can you use it for future life changes?
“I realized that by telling my loved ones and my therapist what is going on with me and keeping them updated, I am in many ways being held accountable to make better decisions and generally get others’ feedback on my life and relationships. Openness is a practice I’m developing (it isn’t a reflex for me) and that is a work in progress, but it has changed my life in an incredibly positive way. Every relationship in my life is stronger with the trust that comes from confiding in my loved ones.”
What was the best advice you had at the time from a friend, a loved one, or a mentor?
“I received so much advice and such broad support from a small army of people who love me. I realized during this time how many people I have in my life who love me and who are willing and able to support me. I’m incredibly blessed to have this.
The best advice received all seem cliché, but clichés are what they are for a reason.
My best friend told me, “Take it one day at a time and when you feel bad, acknowledge the feeling, sit with it, and tell yourself I’m feeling bad, it’s temporary. I accept I’m having a bad moment/day and tomorrow will be better, and if it’s not, the day after eventually will.”
How did it make you grow? What were the learnings?
“This transition has changed nearly every aspect of my life for the better. I have moved past many negative emotions and begun to take responsibility for my future and my happiness in a way that might have taken me many, many years to do if I were still stuck back where I was.
I am developing the tools to help me through more rough days that may lie ahead, and I am radically honest with myself and my loved ones in the way that I plan to be for the rest of my life. I’m so much healthier and happier now that I almost don’t recognize the version of myself I was just one year ago.
My learnings are all cliché too: “life works in mysterious ways”, “when one door closes another one opens” … but true.
Finally, I’ve found such an incredible amount of empathy in complete strangers. When I’m honest and open, others open up to me. Sometimes there is such incredible beauty in listening to people tell their own stories and how they approach their own challenges. The world is like a well of empathy - we all have something to learn from one another.